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HONEST LAWYER?
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Oct 31, 2007 8:56 am
615 Views
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Honest Lawyer?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby.
Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Bobby.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.
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LAST WISHES
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Oct 31, 2007 8:54 am
563 Views
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Last Wishes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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TAUGHT TOO MUCH ?
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Oct 31, 2007 8:46 am
543 Views
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Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?"
6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction?
7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
-If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling.
-If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement.
-If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
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Well...you ASKED !!!
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Oct 31, 2007 8:27 am
557 Views
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Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman and asked the question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?”
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
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A Snail Buys a Fast Car...
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Oct 31, 2007 8:26 am
534 Views
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A snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
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THAT'S A NEW ONE !
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Oct 31, 2007 8:17 am
492 Views
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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today.
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A DOG CLEAQNING
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Oct 31, 2007 8:12 am
467 Views
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A Dog Cleaning
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
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WOMEN DRIVERS
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Oct 31, 2007 8:10 am
481 Views
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(author unknown)
Women Drivers
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
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The Sound of Silence
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Oct 30, 2007 7:25 pm
509 Views
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When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of ⁓empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
It became very quiet in the room.
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight de ck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
Once again, dead silence.
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe its because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop!
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