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Latest Immigration Poll
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Oct 1, 2007 8:07 pm
891 Views
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Subject: California Poll regarding Illegal Immigration
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office, asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered:
"Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered:
"No es una problema seriosa"
Except in San Francisco, where 90% said, "I think Latin men are very attractive!"
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A 15-Year-Old's Insight - Just Great!!!
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Oct 1, 2007 5:24 pm
932 Views
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WRITTEN BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA :
New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME) !
Since the Pledge of Allegiance
And
The Lord's Prayer
Are not allowed in most
Public schools anymore
Because the word 'God' is mentioned....
A kid in Arizona wrote the attached
________________________________________
NEW School prayer :
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks..
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
If you aren't ashamed to do this,
Please pass this on.
Jesus said,
'If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before my Father.'
Not ashamed. Pass this on.
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Need a Referesher Course? The 50-cent condensed version.
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Oct 1, 2007 5:21 pm
790 Views
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In case you're a little foggy on your biblical
history, let our junior church students help you with
this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from
their essays. This is one clever rendition of the
'Bible in a Nutshell'! Enjoy!.....laughter is a gift
from God!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible
says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must
be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve . Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God
by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain , who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel . Pretty soon all of the early
people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to
be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah , who was a
good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah
built a large boat and put his family and some animals
on it. He asked some other people to join him, but
they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham , Isaac , and Jacob . Jacob
was more famous than his brother, Esau , because Esau
sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses , whose real name
was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out
of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent
ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God
fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include
don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses ' best helpers was Joshua who was the
first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle
of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David . He got to be king by killing
a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon
who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher
says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by
a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There
were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we
don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus
is the star of the New Testament. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn' It would be
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His
life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve
opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was
so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after
him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and
even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the
Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus . He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to
life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at
the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the
book of Revolution.
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GHOST INDIAN
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Sep 29, 2007 3:48 pm
909 Views
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Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window.
"Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!"
Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window.
The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour.
"Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window.
The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour.
Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.
"You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there."
"I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour.
About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did.
"Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"
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NEW OLD SAYINGS
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Sep 29, 2007 3:46 pm
842 Views
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New Old Sayings
1. Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like home page.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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WE DELIVER
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Sep 29, 2007 3:43 pm
798 Views
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We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
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SUMBICH
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Sep 29, 2007 12:59 am
895 Views
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A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million
dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning
and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars," "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said,"Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said,"Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?" Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked,"Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said,"I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"
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Dear Doctor Phil...
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Sep 28, 2007 8:40 pm
980 Views
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When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
[To ALL of you who posted comments...you might have had different takes on this if the FF Nazi Storm Trooper CENSORS hadn't pulled the pic that went along with this post. (GORGEOUS blonde babe in a bikini holding 2 large bass)]
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FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
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Sep 28, 2007 8:22 pm
906 Views
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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin,"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself
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EMERGENCY ROOM
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Sep 28, 2007 1:52 pm
802 Views
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Emergency Room
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.
"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"
"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
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