So, what was the first record you ever brought (inspired by that belgum bird)
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May 6, 2012 9:07 pm
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In another life, a past life when i had loads of spots, hair, and a permanent erection, wait for it.....
I was a skinhead.
Yep i used to go round with air wear boots, levi 501 jeans that were too short, and bright green socks, and you must not forget the ben sherman shirt.
Don't laugh, it was a fashion thing.
It was then that i brought a record by Desmond Decker, called i can see clearly now.
I did go through a phase of being a of progressive sort of hippie thing, long blond hair and them bell bottom hipster trousers, but i had to stop wearing them, as just the sight of anything girlie and my willie was sticking above the waist line. Yep id be walking along the street next to marks and Spenser's, and booooing up it shot.
It was then i brought a record called Knights in white satin.
Letters ive written never meaning to send
Now I'm a beer swilling rock yob, who believes the music stopped in 1984. It still sticks out above my jeans, but not so often, and only when i see red heads with short skirts, no nickers and small breasty thingies. oooooo and when i think about Madona, debie harry, Dana............
Rock on!
The first record i ever brought was..........cant fecking remember, ha! but i know the first album i brought was the White album, the Beatles. (though i think i have got that wrong as well)
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Where is that fecking arc when you need it
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Apr 25, 2012 8:59 pm
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I don't wear girlie nickers, I'm not saying that i have never wore girlie undies, because that would be a lie. But, i don't wear girlie nickers at the moment.
One of the reasons might be that the blond dose not wear panties, but i think the main reason is that my bum is too big for them, and they are not designed for real men's willies.
So why the feck am i being pestered by adverts for girlie gear whenever i turn on my puter. Its driving me nuts, i go to my e mail account and there they are, girlie bits pouting at me covered by skimpy lace, I'm eating my breakfast reading the times on line, and i get a walk by nipple parade, its enough to drive any bloke nuts.
Now if the adverts were for fur lined thermal long johns, it would be a different matter, i would order 20 pairs, its so fecking cold here. Not only is it cold, it has not stopped raining for 3 weeks. I want to go back to Spain.
My lake is overflowing and i no longer need a tractor to cut the grass, i need a boat, where is that Noah bloke when you need him.
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Lets get all deep and meaningful
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Apr 12, 2012 10:18 pm
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Them fecking christians would have you believe there is life after death, well they are all a load of nutters!
You see, who the feck would want to live on after your body is all worn out and your brain has forgot what shagging is all about. I mean even if you got hit by a bus and died, do you want to walk round for eternity all bashed up and squashed. Come on you nutters think about it, this heaven place must be a bit crowded by now, full of old geriatrics and toothless haggs, with the odd burns victim thrown in.
Sounds like a Micheal Jackson video.
Then there are them other set of raving lunatics, the spiritualists, man they all need brain scans.
They will tell you (depending on how much of that grass that they have smoked,) that your spirit lives on in a different form and if you have been good in this life, you might come back as a cat.
I suppose its too much to ask, for me to come back as a red heads bike seat.
Nope its all a load of superstitious claptrap, and i can say this without fear of being struck by lightning because i am typing this blog with a silver cross and a bulb of garlic round my neck.
And my fingers crossed.
Having said all that, do you know what? that new dog of mine is Mutley reincarnated, only this time hes come back with a white willie and no balls
I told Mutley if he kept going off shagging that beech down the road his balls would drop off.
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My name is Luca, i live on the so fa
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Apr 10, 2012 10:22 pm
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Wife #2, the wicked witch from madrid, lasted two weeks, not bad i thought. You see we came home from a disaster of a honeymoon and she told me "that dirty smelly animal had to go". Yep, despite the fact she lived with me for six months prior to the wedding, she told me my dog had to go, or she would.
Well it was no contest, ten minutes later we were on the way to Malaga train station to send the wicked witch from madrid to her mothers.
You see i loved my dog Mutley, he was my best mate for 15 years, yes he smelt a bit, and he spent most of the time with an erection and a stupid grin on his face, (just like me then i hear you shout) but i was with him longer than i have been with any bird.
Its been over 2 years now since i had to take mutley to the vets and say goodbye to him, his legs couldn't do what his brain wanted them to do, he was suffering and old. In them two years i couldn't face having another dog, and to be honest it seems for the last two years i haven't stood still for five minutes, flitting between England, Spain and France.
But things have changed, and welcome to Luca!
Luca is a three year old bit of everything dog, black and white like a cow, and if you squint it could be a labrador, but then again it could be a basset hound. Luca wasn't blessed in the looks department, yes hes got a pretty face, but has ears bigger than dumbos, and a tail so long it wont look out of place on a horse, but Luca is my dog.
And Luca lives on the blonds chesterfield, and you know what, she don't mind!
Now i cant stop singing that fecking song!
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Easter, huh, what is it good for
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Apr 7, 2012 10:56 pm
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Easter you know is a weird thing, people all over the world have time off work, eat loads of chocolate and get fat in celebration of someone who never existed, who was ment to have died and then came back to life.
Are you all fecking nuts?
Why don't you have time off work when you want, not when some false church tell you you have to time off work?
Anyway, the Stupid English they just eat loads of easter eggs, as many as they can get in their mouths at once, then they go and sit down at the sea side in the rain, freezing their bits off, eating fish and chips.
The Spanish, well they are even more nuts, they walk through the streets wearing hoods over their heads carrying this fecking huge statue of a virgin. Well I'm sorry, ya cant be a virgin and get pregnant, nope that imaginary mary bird lied, she went out on the town got pissed and had a shag in a back alley.
As for the French, they have totally lost the plot. I live in this quaint old french village, where life just goes on, Pier the farmer goes to get his morning bread on his tractor, and a bloke rides round on a bike with a stripey t shirt on, and funny hat with garlic and onions round his neck, he stinks.
Anyway last week things kicked off, a load of huge trucks came and turned the village square into a fair ground, then after Pier had picked up his bread, he dropped christmas trees outside every ones houses.
Feck you should have seen the blonds face, she was so excited she got the christmas decorations out, bless her.
Later Claude the council worker came round and tied these christmas trees to our drain pipe, and i guess it was his missus came after him and tied bits of coloured paper to them.
What the feck is going on!
Well we are no doubt going to find out today because they have hung huge speakers outside my bedroom window, the feckers.
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The bitter and sweet of being fecking rich.
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Mar 31, 2012 9:35 pm
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You know, I'm fed up with talking, I'm fed up with being stuck in a flash git office with a load of suites, and I'm sick to death of New york, even though i own a huge chunk of it.
Its been a long two days, but i suppose its worth it, at least i can afford to buy a tractor now, to cut the grass at my lake.
I have sold the film rights to my granddads diary, and that took some doing because i insisted on only english actors being used. On top of that its confirmed that i own the Empire state building.
Now before you all think this as as some kind of april fools joke i would say that is not strictly true, i just own 47% of the fecking eyesore, making me the majority share holder.
And fecking rich. Good old granddad.
Let me explain, towards the end of the second world war, just a few weeks after d day my granddad was called into Winston Churchill's office, where he saw the man himself and two blokes, identical twins they were. In my granddads own words "two bloody stuck up yanks that looked like two peas in a pod"
He was told that he and his blokes were to accompany these yanks to France so they could check up on the state of the family interests and chateau now that the germans had gone. Aaaawww Winston, he said, i wanted some time off so i can see my bird he said, apparently winston just gave him the look, so he said ok boss.
Well these blokes turned out to be real important, they were the illegitimate sons from a affair their father had with a Indian bird called hiya likeitupthebum (i just made that up) The fathers name was non other than du pont, apparently a rich french yank.
Anyway there they were in France just up the road from where i live now, they were walking all soldier like as there were still a few storm troupers about, and in my granddads words, He tripped over a rock and his gun went off and a german fell out of a tree, but not before the german had shot one of these yanks in the leg.
My granddad and his blokes quickly shot the rest of the germans then tied a rope round the yanks leg so he didn't bleed to death, and took him to a field hospital. He however had to have his leg cut off as it was too far gone to save.
This du pont bloke flew over to France himself to thank my grandad and offer him a job looking after his sons while they were rebuilding the family house that germans had turned into a brothel. He also gave him the deeds to 47% of this tall building that my grandad had never even heard of, and later in his diary swore about.
"fecking yanks he said, i save his sons life and he gives me half of a fecking tall ugly building that's loosing money hand over fist, he cant have liked his sons much."
And you know what, now that the empire state building is mine, ive realised why the other owners didn't put up too much of a fight, i have to demolish it, its now unsafe.
Perhaps ill just have to buy a small tractor! I'm going home to France and the blond
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lawyers, a thin bird and my granddad
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Mar 29, 2012 10:31 pm
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I'm a country boy, i love my open space, my lake, i love cooking at night in my kitchen, even the blond ain't too bad, in fact i love my life. I don't know how people can live in this place, fecking noise and people everywhere. New York the city that never sleeps.
Well i wish they would all go home so i can get some fecking sleep
Lawyers are a bunch of shite bags, he kept me waiting, then opened the door with a slick suite on and a laser whitened smile, he thought a country boy I'm going to screw this bloke.
Well little did he know, i sat down in my new levies and this blinding cowboy hat i brought on 5th avenue, and said, you really need to dye your hair more often, the roots are really grey and I'm keeping my hat on until you stop fecking me around. You have 2 minutes to tell me why i should use your firm of lawyers i continued.
Grandads diary's are hot property, and along with the real estate he owned in New york it means loads of money for lawyers, he quickly saw it my way! In fact he s not a bad bloke, he took me to central park lunch time where i saw my first thin bird jogging!
My granddad was a Royal Marine, and he was attached to a small navy ship, for all you land lubbers that's a technical term, meaning he was stationed on it, it don't mean that he was tied to the ship by his neck! His ship was involved in the evacuation of dunkirk, and its here that he earned his first medal for bravery.
You see them barstead germans were bombing and shooting at us brits stuck on the beach at dunkirk, and all the navy and loads of private boats went over to get them off, well with bullets flying all over the place my granddad jumped in the water and got a line to this boat that was sinking and had no engine, and saved the life's of some 300 people.
In his diary he said i don't know what all the fuss was about, i just wanted to get home and see this red head!(who happened to be my grandmother)and if we had a boat on tow we had to go back to port.
Anyway, on this boat was the son of the under secretary of Winston Churchill, i love that term under secretary, its like shes shagging him all the time but hes always on top, feck who would have liked to be squashed by Winston Churchill! So its a sort of jobs for the boys deal, he saved her sons life, she nagged churchill to get my grandad a good job.
My granddad ended up working directly for winston Churchill as a special bodyguard for important people. So here i am in this fecking place trying to get a film deal, and to reclaim this real estate that the papers suggest that he was given for saving another persons life.
I really want to go home.
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New york, New York
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Mar 28, 2012 10:22 pm
1348 Views
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Feck me, every time i fly from charles de gaul airport they loose my luggage, here i am in a wonder city, with loads of stuff going on and i have only the clothes I'm wearing. And let me tell you they ain't to fresh after that trip.
Ive got this theory, when in doubt drink whiskey, and it works see i don't like flying so i drank loads of the stuff, got a first class upgrade on the cheap and slept all the way over, the stewardess had to wake me up once because i was snoring too loud but hey!
Perhaps that's why i couldn't find my case, i couldn't remember what it looked like!
So its just after midnight here, i cant sleep, because I'm not tired and its really waking up time in france, and i cant go out on the pull because i have smelly knickers on. On top of all that i don't know where the feck i am, new york is as big as Norfolk with 30 times more people and cars. Feck me no wonder the birds are all fat here, they just sit In McDonald's all day because they are scared to go out in case they get lost.
So when in doubt, drink more whiskey and blog.
My granddad never talked about the war, i guess then they did not have councilors like they do now, and just bottled it up inside, but we do know he won some medals for bravery, and he was a Sergent in the royal marines, i know that because he gave me his old dress uniform jacket at the time of Sergent pepper,(the beatles) man i was the envy of my mates!
I have this wonderful photo of him sitting on a camel, so i guessed he was in north africa sometime between 1940 and 1945 though what the feck a marine was doing in the desert, i don't know. The mystery deepened because when i have tried to find out in the past about his war record the web site says, no records.
Anyway just by chance i have found out that he was in France after the war, man, sometimes i wonder about my life, yep i moved here and feck me if i didn't find out he was stationed just up the road in a town called Chabiniss. and that's what the key and the document was all about. You see it clicked that the document had the same logo on as the notair i brought my house through!
So a trip to see the beautiful french bird lawyer who turned out was the great granddaughter of the original lawyer ended up with me having in my hands my granddads diary and some other papers, fecking mind blowing they are too! It turns out that my granddad was a bit of a blogger in his time. Now i know what he got up to in the war.
So tomorrow, that's really today, I'm going to buy some clean knickers and see this robbing barstead lawyer, then go out and see if i can find a skinny bird, that's like hunting a needle in a haystack!
Friday i might even go and see Ophelia!
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Ricardos going to merica today
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Mar 27, 2012 10:59 pm
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The blond says its a wild goose chase, and that was rather funny at the time because we were eating this huge goose that i had just cooked.
You see I'm off to merica, that is if they let me in, yep i drive to paris today and get on a plane to New york this evening, feck i hate flying. The blond wont be coming because she said, with a huge sharp knife in her hands, all merican birds are fat, and she knows i don't like fat birds, so she knows i wont wander.
On top of that we are broke and the lawyer I'm going to see charges me 600 euros an hour the robbing bastead.
Its all to do with something i found when sorting out my stuff brought over in the move. As you know in England the first born inherits over the rest of the family, well as we were a poor family, all i got left from my grandads estate was a wooden box full of coins and a key, there was a mouse eaten document as well but it was unreadable.
Yesterday i found what the key was for, by complete accident, wow.
Perhaps my grandad was not as poor as we thought.
ill tell you more when i know.
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Breast cancer why havent they found a cure?
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Mar 24, 2012 11:21 pm
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I don't know if you can say i like breasts, because i like small breasty things, not them huge ones that you see in the films, eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr. And birds pay good money to have plastic ones, Why?
So it can be argued that I'm a leg man, yep i like legs. But not them huge fat ones that rub together, you know the ones, you have seen them on merican birds.
Yep give me a skinny bird with red hair and small breasty thingies and id be a happy bloke, if i could remember what to do with her.
You see this year I'm 59 years old, (feck how comes it crept up so quickly,) whilst i can still build houses, lift 70 kilos, fish and manage a shag every now and then, gradually my body is wearing out, I'm passed my sell by date.
Ive had a good life, lots of beer, lots of girlfriends, lots of shags and caught a few fish, so I'm not complaining, but this week has been hard.
I found out that two of my ex girlfriends had died, both of breast cancer, both were younger than me. One of them the mother of my love child, that hurt me, right deep down in my guts, i loved that girl.
I know that billions have been pumped into trying to find a cure for breast cancer, but ain't it time we spent more. Think about it, why are they spending billions on research to try and find a drug to cure altzimers so old farts like me can remember what their willie is for, when young women are dying.
There are young women out there dying of brest cancer. Young women that die before they need hip replacements.
Denice and Clair I'm sorry that i was not the man you wanted me to be, You were both special people. i loved you then, and still do now.
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